Correction printed in The Daily Californian

Show me a man with his feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you
          a man who can't put his pants on. 

UnKnown

          I've had a wonderfull evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx 

 When was a lad, there was only one Germany, Latvia, Estonia,
      Khazachstan, Eusbekistan, Bosnia, Herzegovina; and then it all changed.
 And then it all changed back again. Those changes cost the lives of 66
 million people. But it didn't cost me a penny -- 'cause I kept my old atlas.

 Old Man 

          There is no such thing as a bisexual... just greedy people.

Scott Meska 

  You know, evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph
 Stalin. But you can't let the package hide the pudding. Evil is just plain bad!
 You don't cotton to it! You gotta smack it on the nose with the rolled up
 newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog!

 The Tick, from the TV show 

 Gennifer Flowers was asked recently if her sexual relationship with Bill
 Clinton was similar to the one he had with Monica Lewinsky. She replied,
 "Close, but no cigar."

 Fail, #poolside 

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say "Are
 you gonna drink that?"

UnKnown

 I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself
 attacking that place because they would never expect it!

 Tracy Irey 

 I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!

 M. Weaver,
1998 in the middle of a three day binge 

  A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
 when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
 fingernails across it until he hangs up. 

UnKnown

 The way into a woman's soul is through her eyes and the way into her
heart is through her mind.

The way into a man's soul is through his mouth, and the way into his heart
is through his pants.

Katie Santo 

Cover your stump before you hump. 

UnKnown

 You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt.
 And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time? 

UnKnown

 You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the
  same!

Daniel Knode 

 Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

  Voltaire

  If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations
every 28 days.

 Robin Williams

We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to
          get back in.

UnKnown

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is shoveling the walk
  before it stops snowing."

  Phyllis Diller

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink, when they wake up in the morning
          that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

 Frank Sinatra

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out
 through his wallet".

 Robin Williams 

Sorry, did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing, which I never
 do anyway, so I don't know why I bothered to say it -- oh God, I'm so
 depressed.

Marvin the Paranoid Android,
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their
  food, and tyranize their teachers.

Socrates

I wouldn't reccommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've
 always worked for me.

  Hunter S. Thompson

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

UnKnown

It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts!

 Mae West

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, and
 then they go and marry him.

 Cher,
in Rolling Stone

When people say "I'm gonna kick your ass!",
they never kick your ass, they punch you in the face.

UnKnown

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

Ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive"
as originally translated into Chinese 

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
 means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."

 Western Union internal memo, 1876

"We anticipate a global world-maket with place for perhaps five computers."

 Tom Watson, IBM 1949

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

 Popular Mechanics, forecasting the
relentless march of science in 1949

"Guitar-groups have no future."

 EMI-manager for Beatles 1962 

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

 Mae West

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying,
          "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but
          another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

Dick Wilson

When I'm good, I'm very very good.
When I'm bad, I'm better!

Mae West