-John Ryman, "When Galaxies Collide"

A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out
          1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.

-Steel City News 

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
          Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 

             1.Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 
             2.Advising the President. 
             3.Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 

-David Letterman 

         Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual
          people, and kill them.

-Classic

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
          calls taper off.

-Johnny Carson

The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through
          his chest, with an axe.

-Unknown

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

-Unknown

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet
          engines.

-Unknown

Research shows that nine out of ten men who try Camel... prefer women.

-Unknown

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
          the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
          replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. 

          There is another which states that this has already happened."

-Douglas Adams,
"The Hitchhiker'sGuide to the Galaxy"

"For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes
          of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came
          across--which happened to be the Earth -- where due to a terribble
          miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidently swallowed by 
a small dog"

Douglas Adams,
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Don't Panic. The Earth is just being demolished for a hyperspace bypass.

Douglas Adams
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 

"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any
oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."

 - Rita Rudner 

"If you ask me, these cheap, mudslinging ads drag the political process
down to a level so juvenile and debased, I can actually understand it."

-George Lowell, Investment Banker

I prefer to describe my profession as that of a "Contemporary
          Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount
          of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

-UnKnown

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to
          the end of his chain and gag himself.

-UnKnown

Sex is like air, it isn't important unless you aren't getting any.

-UnKnown

They say that every hour you spend exercising is another hour added on to
 your life. But what good is all that time if you spend it on exercise?

-Bruce Willis

Nobody's perfect... well, there was this guy, but we killed him.

-UnKnown

Much can be accomplished with a smile. More can be accomplished with a
 smile and a gun.

-Al Capone

Rock journalism is people who can't write talking to people who can't talk
 for people who can't read.

-Frank Zappa

Sex is like a bridge game, if you don't have a good partner you had better
have a good hand.

-UnKnown

Eat right, exercise, die anyway. 

-UnKnown

          Good health is merely the slowest way to die. 

-UnKnown

          Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.

-UnKnown

"We're all fucked. It helps to remember that."

    -George Carlin 

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
 to bite people themselves. 

-UnKnown